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Finer Facts

Finer Facts:

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Casual Reading

Sit back, raise a brow, and casually absorb this post.

There is a certain amount mystery and eloquence that radiates off of one who is taking retreat behind the pages of a novel, newspaper, or any other published or unpublished work one might take interest in. The first impression one who is casually reading broadcasts to his peers, if any are present, is that of intelligence. If lacking the intellectual mien, one may not be considered truly classy. After the air of intellect has been formally established, possibly through the raising of a single brow and/or eye contact by a casual glance over the crest of the chosen work you seem to be absorbing yourself with, one may proceed to resume to his studies or invite the visitor to sit and have tea. But, you do not want to come off as too stern, a light chuckle may follow a part you have found humorous in the article of literature.

One must remember, before one seats himself and embarks on his journey through the pages of the chosen article of literature, he must find the right setting in which he might then be able to commence his casual reading. Obviously, if you have any knowledge of class, your personal library should do the trick. But, if you find yourself lacking a personal library, these should be the requirements:

If casually reading your thought provoking textual masterpiece indoors...

  • A fireplace should be present somewhere in the room
  • Rug made of zebra skin, from your days in the African Safari
  • An expensive leather chair
  • A matching leather ottoman
  • The only source of illumination can be from the fireplace and a candle
  • A Robe
  • A side table, on which sits your cup of tea or coffee, a pack of skittles, and your pipe
  • A grandfather clock
  • A grand piano, possibly an organ
  • Wallpaper that corresponds your attire 
  • A picture or painting of your sailboat hanging on the wall, framed
  • Electrical lighting is only acceptable if one must snap, or clap, twice to turn off and on the lights.
  • The only picture book you should have in the room, is a book of pictures of words

Though not a requirement, it is strongly suggested for your relaxation that it be raining outside, for the echo of each droplet is a comforting note within nature's melodic masterpiece we call, rainstorms. Sipping on a glass of wine is also strongly advised.

If absorbing the brilliantly written words of your reading outdoors, one needs...
  • A shady tree
  • A cool, yet comfortable, breeze
  • It is a must birds be chirping
  • A nicely located wooden bench
  • A hedge maze
  • A far off mountain range where one can look up to in wonderment and periodically reflect on the reading 

A wonderful example of a wonderful man being wonderfully 

casual in his reading
 So in conclusion, worry less about the appearance you give to others while reading and more about the reading itself. If you read casually, you will radiate class and others will look on in awe as you grow in intelligence and suaveness.

Stay Classy,

William and Walter
 W & W
Quadruple U

      Friday, April 16, 2010

      Proper Greetings, Part 1

      A greeting - the instigation of conversation

              Believe it or not, greetings are one of the most controversial aspects of classiness. Modern society has failed to understand the respect and sophistication involved in a salutation. Previously unorthodox methods of acknowledgment are being accepted in today's society. Here now is a guide to a proper greeting:
      The approach to a proper greeting spans between three and eight vital seconds. Though hours of prior preparation may be practiced in anticipation for the greeting (depending on how important the greeting is), it's the attention grabbing approach that will either instantiate interactions with someone or leave you awkwardly standing alone in your antisocial body that you call 'classy'. Shamed and disgraced by your failure to make even the slightest noticeable impression, you go into a vegetative state (a coma is also probable).
      So let's try to avoid that. These are surefire methods to go about getting recognition and the appropriate times to wield them:
      1. The downward nod of the head - More of a subtle sign of acknowledgment than a sign of friendship, this gesticulation should be only used to regard fellows whom you may not know very well. With minimal eye contact, you are demonstrating to the greet-ee that you, the greeter, bear humility and respect.
      2. The upward nod of the head - To those you are comfortable with; though a handshake should be used, if the situation does not allow for a handshake, the upward nod of the head works perfectly fine. Most commonly seen in high traffic areas where it might even become hazardous to stop and take the time for a good shaking of the hand. Using this method, you tell the receiver of your greeting, without actually verbally telling him,                                                                                                            "Greeting to you down yonder! We should engage in conversation to reminisce about our stories of old. And if not, I propose that we meet at a later time to discuss our lives whilst consuming small dishes at an expensive restaurant with unnecessary sauce designs and parsley on top."
      3. The handshake - *Note - If not carried out firmly, it is considered extremely psuedoclassy, and might result in exile from the class society.* Pound for pound, the strongest gesticulation of greetings one can make. This shows relationship between the shaker and the shake-ee is strong, that their brotherly union is not just one that is limited to a slight movement of the chin, but is one that deserves the stopping of all other actions to greet the other. It is almost always necessary for the handshake to be followed with small talk.

      If you plan on ever partaking in a classy event, you have must be able to start a conversation, properly
       But a few of our recommended classy and simple conversation starters:
      • Hello
      • Greetings
      • How do you do?
      • What have you?
      • What say you?
      • Good morning
      • Top of the morning 
      • Splendid evening
      • North
      • Greetings old sport!
      • Salutations
      • saying 'hello' in any European language
      • How about the weather?
      • Might I say this is quite the lavish gala you are hosting
      • The Dow reached a new high today
      It has come to my attention that many classy phrases have been altered, and thus the meaning of the phrase has changed to that of pseudoclassy. Vocabulary is as important in your conversation as oval, gold-rimmed windows are in your yacht. For a start, the word "dog" and any variation of the word, mustn't be exercised in any phrase of instigation of conversation. The ONLY event where such lingo is acceptable when using code names on your spy mission to rescue the Pope from evildoers. 
      We've brought you this far. Now the actual context of the conversation is up to you.

      Stay Classy, old sport

      William and Walter
       double U & double U

      Quadruple U

      Friday, April 9, 2010

      The Importance of having a luxurious library with an incredible array of varied knowledge and a stifling amount of original historical works

              A classy home is incomplete if lacking the owner's full knowledge and imagination embodied into books (preferably leather bound books). And a classy home owner is typically quite knowledgeable while also having a wild and free imagination. So you see, a mere book shelf will never accommodate the full range of knowledge and culture a classy person needs. Intrigued? Well, here is the breakdown:
      • Sometimes people have books.
      • Other times people have book shelves.
      • Commonly people have study rooms with a good deal of books.
      • Uncommonly, people have entire libraries in their house
      • Classily, people have entire luxurious libraries with an incredible array of varied knowledge as well as a stifling amount of original historical works.
              Now, when I say library, I do not mean your local convenience research center with full time workers and all. I speak rather of a high ceiling-ed, chandelier lit, Persian rug covered, culture spewing room were one can go take a break from all the pseudo-classiness in the world. As you enter this room, you will be struck by the rich sent of vanilla tobacco, leather, pine, and Fabreze, all simultaneously arousing your nostrils. -You look around, classic books such as The Odyssey and The Chronicles of Narnia - The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe instantly grasp your attention. Wait, what's that down yonder? Oh, its the original papyrus copy of Mark's Gospel. And yes, that over there is Anne Frank's actual diary. -At the center of the library is desk crafted from the very cherry tree George Washington once chopped down. The pure gold chandelier above provides great light as you read on your woolly mammoth leather lazy boy.As you get up, you exclaim,
      "Sweet lincoln's mullet!, what a fine and classy room. I guess I'll just make my way back to the.....NO! it cannot be, up there next to Richard Preston's "The Hot Zone", ...it's...it's a blank red book. But it is unattainable as it seems to be stuck on the shelf." 

              If you were knowledgeable in the slightest about libraries, you would immediately walk towards the grand piano and play Beethoven's Piano Sonata No.14 in C sharp-minor. Preceding your concerto, without delay, the bright red book would protrude itself an inch or so off the shelf. Once in your grasp, the shelf where said book had sat upon would mobilize itself forward, exposing its side, and revealing a candlelit spiraling staircase that descends into the depths of your home and your privacy into A Secretive Lair.

              Whilst entering, you turn the lights on in the lair and dim them half way. As your pupils adjust, you witness class at its finest. Your most prized suit hangs in solitude next to the wall mounted carcass of the snow leopard you wrestled in your days long passed. You admire the murals on the wall Michaelangelo painted specifically for you centuries agos. They stimulate recollections of past adventures and inspire you to new ones. Also there is that Nobel Prize which you have grown quite fond of. The miniature fridge tempts you with rare beverages and illegally delicious sweets from across the lands. The miniature bar has a multitude of options, though on this particular day you're leaning towards that unopened bottle of wine previously cared for and owned by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
      Enjoy my friends
      and stay classy,


      "Double U"
      "1/2 quadruple U"

      Tuesday, April 6, 2010

      Holding the Door Open for Someone Who Is on Crutch(es) and the Importance of Having Two Crutches not Crutch

      I add the "(es)" to the title because for only half the time I was on two crutches, the other half I was on crutch. But while my short period on crutches I really learned two things from them:

      A. Never take walking for granted
      B. There are 4 general kinds of people in this world:

      1. The classy, morally sound man - Hears or sees that you are on crutch(es), and goes out of his way to hold the door open for you. He has my gratitude.
      2. The unwilling, but morally sound man - Hears or sees that you are on crutch(es), and looks at you with what could be called a glare, and opens the door for you with a look on his face that says "Are you serious? I was having a good conversation with another fellow and I had to pause it to help you". Not he, but probably his parents who drilled good morals into him at a young age, have my gratitude.
      3. The unobservant, oblivious man - He somehow does not take notice that you are on crutch(es), and as a result, does not hold the door open for you. I understand that he did not notice, so I am not mad, but he should try to pay closer attention.
      4. The twit - Hears or sees that you are on crutch(es), turns around to look at you, gives you the once over to make sure you actually do have crutch(es), and knowing this, doesn't hold the door open. OUTRAGEOUS!! Did he just intentionally close the door faster?? and walks away most likely smiling to himself;He has my contempt. I am utterly displeased by their actions and officially name them pseudoclassy.
      I understand there might be some reluctance in opening the door for a person with crutch. "I mean, seriously, he has one open arm doesn't he?" The answer is "No.", always open and hold a door for someone on crutch(es), it's the classy thing to do.

      Other than holding the door open for someone on crutches, I believe there is a certain amount of class difference between crutches and crutch. With two crutches, you look legitimately injured, most likely by extraordinary like, in my case, my white tiger that resides on my estate ferociously attempted to attack a mere babe. In the process of jumping in front of the child, I tranquilized the tiger with the hidden dart gun at the tip of my umbrella-cane, but not soon enough. As the unconscious tiger fell from mid air, it landed on my right leg, causing a labral tear in my right hip. But that's not really important right now, anyway... With two, people don't question your injury. With only crutch, you look homeless. And being homeless is most definitely not classy. With a wooden crutch and a couple rags, you could complete the look of a hobo flawlessly.

      In conclusion, Holding the Door Open for Someone on Crutches and Two Crutches are officially CLASSY.


      "double u"
      "1/2 Quadruple u"

      Friday, April 2, 2010

      The Raising of a Single Brow, Part 1

      Accompanied by a slight, but smooth, upward bob of the head to the left, the raising of a single brow can be one of the most, if not the most, classy gestures one can make. The fullness of this gesticulation can be achieved even more so by making strong eye contact with whomever you seem to be speaking to, but staring off into the distance, or over their shoulder works too. A lucky few were born with natural talent in the art of monobrow elevation, as for the rest of you all... well... Lets just say, that's what we're here for.

      Those seeking to achieve classiness through the correct gesticulation of the raising of a single brow may be asking themselves "When is the proper time to use the raising of a single brow?", "What are the signals that can be given off by the raising of a single brow?", and "What is the origin of the raising of a single brow and how was it introduced modern day?". Your questions will be answered all in good time.

      This is an example of a lighter, more easy going raising of a single brow. As shown above, one may also prefer to include a smirk of the lip, side opposite to the raised brow, if he chooses to do so.

      1. The proper time to use the raising of a single brow.

      This is a fine question. Though the answer I am tempted to leave you with is "If you are truly classy, you will know when the time is right". But, I would feel like I was letting you down. So I will try my best to adequately express through my knowledge of class, the proper time to use the elevation of a solo brow with a couple points. After thorough examination of my knowledge, I have come to a conclusion:
      A. When speaking to someone / When being spoken to by someone
      B. When seducing women
      C. When in dire need of a classiness boost
      D. When in not so dire need of a classiness boost
      E. When leaving an immortal impression of yourself on this planet moments before dying
      F. When yachting
      G. When purchasing an extravagant beach side villa
      H. When about to purchase a previously uncharted island in the Caribbean
      I. At all times whilst wearing a sweater vest
      J. When bird watching

      2. The possible signals that can be given off by the use of the raising of a single brow.

      -I am intrigued
      -I am classy
      -I am acting slightly surprised, though I am actually not
      -I am acting as if I am somewhat perplexed
      -I am listening
      -I am slightly amused
      -I am thinking
      -I am about to say something of extreme classiness
      -I am standing on the edge of a cliff protruding out unto the sea with my front leg raised somewhat higher than the other, at sunset, and was in need of an extremely classy pose while observing nature at it finest
      -I am exercising my right to remain silent, though there is no pressing, or legal, need to
      -I am about to mount my polo horse
      -I have just proven myself victorious in a fencing contest
      -I am too classy to show outward excitement
      -I am impressed, yet do not allow you the satisfaction of any outward sign of this
      -I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
      -People know me.
      -I'm fairly important.
      -I have many leather-bound books
      -My apartment smells of rich mahogany
      -I am on the brink of curing an incurable disease
      -My butler will assist you shortly

      3. The origin of raising of an individual brow and how it came about modern day.

      Though the origin is officially unknown, it is rumored to have been discovered by the Germans in 1904. There is no official name for it, scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

      Modern day, the raising of a single brow has increased in popularity, but, because of the difficulty of the gesticulation and the expectations that come along with being classy, is not widely preformed. The influx of popularity can be accredited mostly to Ron Burgundy, James Bond, The Most Interesting Man in the World, and the Class Connoisseurs(whose guide has influenced at least 40+ people.)

      Stay Classy,

      William and Walter

      W & W
      "Double u & Double u"
      "Quadruple u"