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Finer Facts

Finer Facts:

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Inaugural Class Connoisseurs' Certificate of Excellence Awarded to Awardee Excellently Due to His Excellence

       Once in a lifetime an honor as fine as the Class Connoisseurs' Certificate of Excellence is bestowed upon a very special individual. While the award will always be an imperfect attempt to quantify class, the Certifcate serves as our highest form of honoring someone or something that has so greatly given to and reflected the fields of Class and swagger through their actions and accomplishments. An indomitable will to abolish  psuedoclass, a demonstration of both boldness and finesse, and a completion of every Casual Summer Activity are among the qualities the selection committee looks for in an awardee.

       With that, we, the Class Connoisseurs, proudly presented Samuel Finney with the inaugural Certificate of Excellence on Friday June 29, 2012 Anno Domini.

Quadruple U  flanks recipient Sam Finney

We wish him the best of luck as he moves on to serve our great country.We look forward to the future recipients. Let the competition begin.

Stay Classy,

William & Walter
Quadruple U

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Bedtime Stories, Vol. 1

Visiting a Friend:

You approach a pair of massive wooden doors, a light elusive aroma smelling slightly of mahogany and a myriad of other exotic hues escape from a gap in the airtight seal of the door to tease your nostrils - the smells transporting you back to the days of old, especially the time you caught that 10ft bull shark, noodling - but only for a brief, glorious second. You pause, as you examine the walls adjacent to the door you begin to panic, there is no doorbell to be found.

You are deeply distraught and somewhat baffled, then you remember the teaching you absorbed under the tutelage of President Bush. You immediately about face, look under the floor mat and find the rare 27¢ coin. You pick it up, turn once again to face the door and then find exactly what you were looking for. You insert the coin into a camouflaged slit in the top left corner of the door frame. A rope from the above darkness falls, you grab it but not before inspecting it. You wipe the poison from the tip of the rope. You laugh at the un-originality of using the poison of the Amazon Poison Dart frog, arrogantly exclaiming "The triviality!"

You tug the rope, not too soft, but not too hard. Chimes of bells erupt filling the once silent air with a beautiful summoning call. Three seconds pass, an eye only slit is slid open, a questioning voice with a heavy Antarctic accent asks "What is the password?" You cup your hands around your mouth and whisper "North". The eye slit abruptly shuts, the muffled sounds of multiple locks and deadbolts being unlatched can be made out through the still softly echoing bell chimes. Finally, the click of the door handle itself, you wait in anticipation as the right door swings open slowly on well oiled hinges, only small creaks may be heard, until coming to its final destination. A few seconds pass, anticipation grows. You scratch your scar from your days as a secret operative, it's a bad habit now.

At last, a balding head materializes, followed in quick succession by his torso and finally his legs. "Good evening sir. How may I be of assistance?"

And that is how you saved the world from ebola.


William and Walter
Quadruple U

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Wonderful Irony that Lies in Having a Lavish Lavatory

Using the restroom is an overlooked and misunderstood part of everyone's day. Yes, it is a routine that appalls and insults all five senses, but it also happens to be one that all humans have in common. There is an undeniable sense of relief  that arises after using the commode, a vague reminder that we are all mortals. Fortunately, this post won't focus on the finer points of using the restroom, rather, we shall appreciate the underlying qualities of the fine lavatories which celebrate this action.

A classy commode is a truly beautiful thing. It is simply outstanding how far humans have come to turn even the most grotesque actions into pleasant experiences. Most private lavatories today come equipped with yesterday's newspaper, a crinkled up Sports Illustrated from 2001 that you know cover to cover, and a painting of the ocean that makes you seasick. None of these items will enhance your experience very much. If you would like to bask in the presence of irony, as any scholar would, then your luxurious restroom should contain all of the following things:

  • Marble flooring
  • Speakers playing the soothing sounds of the saxophone. 
  • A replica of The Thinker or Michelangelo's David. 
  • A solitary dove flying about
  • Tomorrow's newspaper
  • A chimney
  • State of the art 23 carat gold toilet with auto-wiping mechanism
  • A Chandelier
  • Toilet paper made of the finest linens
  • A mini fridge
  • A small pond stocked with koi fish, tastefully supplemented by a trickling waterfall.
  • Those really nice cloth hand towels that are supposedly disposable but make you feel guilty for throwing them away.

Now that you have a good feel for what a lavish lavatory should contain, we would like to leave you with the smooth saxophone stylings of George Michael. 

Stay Classy,

William & Walter
W & W
Quadruple U