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Finer Facts

Finer Facts:

Monday, November 29, 2010

Aromatic Stimulants and the Proper and Improper Utilizations of Such

Aromatic Stimulant - Any fabricated smell able to be applied with the intention of increasing ones levels of class, courtship, or comeliness. 

A classy individual continuously expels certain fine qualities that construct their essence. One particular quality, odor, is an absolutely essential ingredient of the mien. It is an ingredient that is capable of exponentially  increasing one's courtly presence but, if improperly used, can sour the entirety of the mien one has worked so hard to create. Class is a sensitive scale, too much or too little of something can throw the delicate balance off very easily, and this has to be taken into account when one deals with Aromatic Stimulants.

A mist of class

Aromatic stimulants provide the one and only opportunity to appeal to a sense that no other article, item, or thing pertaining to class is able to, that sense is the sense of smell. Aromatic stimulants act as an aura, extending off one's corporeal body and into the air. And although one's suaveness can cause one to figuratively radiate class, aromatic stimulants do so in a literal manner.

We've devised a list to assist you in practicing the proper use of aromatic stimulants:
  • One should be alerted to a dilemma concerning your aromatic stimulants when others near you begin to faint, though on rare occasions this can be caused by an overabundance of charm.
  • Apart from harboring fabricated aromas, it is viable for one to expel figurative scents by conquering seemingly insurmountable ordeals or by having an unprecedented streak of favorable outcomes. 
    • e.g: the smell of victory and the sweet smell of success.
  • Contrary to popular belief, it is not true that if you simply ignore body odor, it will eventually part ways with your pits.
  • When appreciating the scents of others, it is considered classy to waft the smell to your nose rather than recklessly sticking your face in front of it. Why go to the smell when the smell can come to you?
  • Utilizing a consistent aromatic stimulant will create a unique bond between you and your aroma, producing an unmistakable identity. 

Thyne Class gods and goddesses have bestoweth upon us classy folk thy great gift of Aromatic Stimulants, and have charged us with thy duty of sporting thy gifts with due grace and reverence.

Yours in class,

William and Walter
W & W
'Quadruple U'

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The South


There is a place in this grand country of ours where the people are as kind and hard working as the land is majestic, where integrity and trust are nothing short of instinct, and most importantly, where class is abundant amongst its inhabitants. This place transcends its fine properties built of its beauty and history into a lifestyle anxiously embraced by its people. This place, is the South.

For those unclear on where exactly the South resides, the following picture should help clear up any mis-perceptions on where exactly the South is. After much persistent research and contemplation we, The Class Connoisseurs, have produced a rough estimate of where the South might be found:

We believe that this 'S' may stand for "South"... Very interesting indeed...

There is an unclear distinction between where exactly the North and South are to be separated, but this issue is utterly irrelevant. The South is much more than just a region of land; it is an attitude towards life. An attitude which arose from the deep depths of class that was first promulgated around the time of Manifest Destiny. Obviously an attitude can be neither regulated nor controlled by ones mere location on a map, so one needs not to fret..

As you, the reader, should already know, functionality of an article of class is key. It may well be the deciding factor in determining whether an article or item is classy or psuedoclassy. The South as a region has a unique climate and natural balance that requires one's wardrobe to accommodate many region specific articles of clothing. Items ranging from cowboy boots to seersucker pants are all products of and specifically tailored to the likes of the South. A Southern always possesses an acute understanding of occasion by occasion dressing.

If you seem to have the misfortune of physical location, that is you live outside of the South, we encourage you to look within yourself, examine your motives and life goals, and ask yourself these three simple questions:

  • Do I want to be classy?
  • Do I like classiness?
  • Don't I not want to not be classy?
If you answered yes to one or more of the questions above, the South may be the right place for you. We encourage you to look deeper into yourself and further your investigations by examining the plethora of opportunities the South presents.

The South's rich history resonates from the very beings of its inhabitants, who perpetuate the simplistic and wholesome, albeit sophisticated, knowledge of class. Optimism, always hanging on the tips of their tongues, serves as just another weapon in the immense arsenal of amiability, which complements the mien that makes the south, the South.

Stay Southern,

William & Walter
W & W
Quadruple U

Proud Southerners

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Dire Grievances

A reading from the book of Pet Peeves, Chapter 1, Verses 1-10.

v.1. Thou shall not use the name of class in vain.

v.2.Thou shall not attempt to draw attention to oneself by increasing their volume or speeding up their articulation whilst praying aloud in a group.

v.3. Thou shall not miss a belt loop.

v.4. Thou shall not sport clothes, even of a finer nature, out of season.

v.5. Thou shall not promote the phrase "Real men wear pink", for it is a heresy.

v.6. Thou shall not use the expression "lol" aloud, for it is unwieldy and outdated.

v.7. Thou shall not boast about thy area code to which thou identifies with.

v.8. Thou shall not button thy top button on ones polo or button down shirt unless sporting a tie.

v.9. Thou shall not dangle one's lanyard out of his pocket.

v.10. Thou shall not sport an inappropriate amount of sweat bands.



William & Walter
Quadruple U

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Its brilliant light illuminates the mysteries of the sea. 
Its grand stature keeps watch over treacherous waters. 
Its iconic  appearance is timeless.

      There is an aura of mystery and yet, comfort, that is brought forth by a lighthouse's presence. Whether witnessed in an artist's rendering or experienced through ones life, lighthouses have been thought provoking figures for centuries. Today, lighthouses do not offer much in terms of guiding vessels to safety. But the void left by lighthouses' lack of functionality in today's world is replenished by various elements of unadulterated class.
  • Each lighthouse is like a diary, whispering to us all the fascinating things it has witnessed since its birth upon a rock. Tales of successful guidance to the shore and recollections of the constant hard work put forth to maintain the lighhouse are woven into its cylindric architecture.
  • A lighthouse does not hide. Its brilliant lamp sits upon a statuesque base, reminding the coastline of its protective nature.
  • And most importantly, a lighthouse is timeless. They are mighty testaments to the boundary between the land we reside on and the treacherous waters we valiantly explore.
    A lighthouse kisses the sky and hugs the coast with all its splendor. 
    Seldom does a man made object grace this earth with such a classic nature. In its silence and humility, a lighthouse manages to tell so much with a great deal of pride. The horizon and a lighthouse collaborate to create a wonderful panorama, for they need each other like you need this blog. In summation, lighthouses enhance a coastline's scenery where most works of human hands fall short of complementing any landscape, leading us to the conclusion that a lighthouse is, without argument, a finer thing.

    William & Walter
    W & W
    Quadruple U

    Tuesday, August 31, 2010

    Dropping a Cap

    The art of dropping a cap is one of great importance in literature. The cap has a great, albeit modest, nature that comfortably dwells within the world of finer things. Now, what exactly is dropping a cap? Don't fret, oh dear apprentices of class, we shall alleviate your daunting curiosity. Our more experienced readers may prefer the phrase "embedding an elevated character upon ones prose". Often misunderstood, the purpose of this wonderful literary mechanism is to set a tone that says "this literary work, which has lain dormant awaiting a single, paramount moment that will fulfill its purpose of enlightening its reader, should contain class". Even if the content that follows the capital letter is stupid or disappointing, one should still be able to (on a more philosophical level) appreciate the tangible beauty of hand written characters and the intricacies of language. On another note, you may read this and believe that if you capitalize all your letters, you will be of supreme class. But alas, you are gravely mistaken. As with all things class, the cap must be used with temperance and moderation.
    Even one Spongebob Squarepants appreciates the
     literary value of dropping a cap
    This cap not only encompasses the literal capitalization of the first letter in a literary work, but also takes on the adjective meaning of the word capital -meaning "excellent, chief, or important". Let that be a small vocabulary lesson that we suggest you apply to your daily life.
    Capitalization of the first linguistic character in a literary work, ordinary sentence, or a solitary word, is truly of finer nature.


    On that note,
    William and Walter
    Quadruple U

    Saturday, July 31, 2010

    Overabundance of Class Exposed to Earthlings by This Summer's Various Sporting Exhibits

    The dawn of autumn approaches, and the summer creeps ever closer to its inevitable end. Those of us residing in the North Western hemisphere are being graced with weather of enticing and enthralling qualities that have drawn us from the shadows of stress and immobility and into the brilliant light that is physical activity of a care free nature. And as if these refreshing months had not been sufficient enough, we humans have already witnessed spectacles of great beauty and grace in the form of sport. Sport, contrary to the opinions of many confounded minds, is indeed a measure of class. When sport reaches its pinnacle of ability and skill, class radiates uncontrollably. This summer has been a testimony to that. Perhaps you need some analysis and insight of these events in order to fully comprehend their magnificence.

    The World Cup:
    -The greatest summation of patriotism
    -The most severe tester of nerves
    -The grandest asking of teamwork, spirit, and pride. 

    For one month, emotions of ecstasy and agony mutually arose to fill the minds of fans and players alike. As humans, we have little decision but to appreciate the harmony and rhythm that drives a team to victory. To perform in such synchronicity and determination as to win a match on the biggest stage of all requires class and grace. The team captain leads ten fellow men to represent an entire country in a battle of strength, speed, and aggression. The effort and grit that players sacrifice echo the cries and adrenaline of Alexander the Great's conquering of the Persian Empire. Eventually, only one nation remained. The Spanish were fully deserved champions, as they overpowered and outclassed teams with the swagger of one thousand matadors.

    -The epitome of tradition
    -The ultimate hybrid of elegance and athletic ability
    -The supreme demander of grace and composure

    A little known and somewhat controversial fact is that wimbledon is in actuality a synonym of class. The amount of class that has oozed from the small London suburb of Wimbledon since 1877 is unmeasurable by even the most advanced technology and unfathomable by a majority of observers of the tournament. The grass courts that gently caress the bounce of the ball are as pleasing to the senses as the aromas of history and tradition that reek in Wimbledon's atmosphere. Then, there are the matches. Matches demand a level of mental and physical composer uncontested by any other sport. These matches take place in abundance every year, but one match this summer was so glorious that we have deemed it worthy of this class-gluten blog post. In what critics are labeling the greatest tennis match ever...
    ...John Isner and Nicolas Mahut put forth so much class that we, the Class Connoisseurs, have found that there are sparse words eloquent enough to worthily describe their feat. Like two equally ingenious generals plotting against one another's armies for decades on end until the last stroke of grace puts a halt to the madness, these warriors never ceased to expel class from their rackets in all eleven hours they played. These two individuals have set the standard for mankind in matters of sporting class.
    And for that we say thank you, summer.
    Stay Classy,

    William and Walter
    Quadruple U

    Thursday, June 24, 2010

    The Undershirt

     The guardian of the eyes
    ...For it shields the sight of unsightly chest hair...

    The absorber of perspiration
    ...For it acts as the last stand in the never ending war on pit stains...

    The psuedoclass-proof vest
    ...For it protects us from unclassiness like a bulletproof vest does bullets...

    Nothing completes a look quite like the white semicircle situated beneath the gentle downward-sloping arc formed by the collar and button. The Undershirt, also referred to as the Nethershirt, acts as a classy person's canvas, on which they create their masterpiece by assembling dynamic coexistence between the Polo horse, the base color of their choice, and possibly a small pattern that coincide in perfect harmony as they rest loosely around the torso of their maker.

    Though officially unknown, the Undershirt's origin can be dated as far back as the "Pre-NameBrand-ic Age", an era void of any common knowledge of class, where psuedoclass roamed freely as it pleased contaminating any unlucky, innocent soul that crosses its path with its terrible affliction. It was said to be more devastating than the Black Plague. Thank the class gods for human's ability to innovate, thus producing --> The Nethershirt - believed to be mankind's adaptation to compensate for the loss of the ability to grow thick, insulating chest and upper torso mane, thus losing the vital ability to grow your own clothes as some may say. Today, those of Spanish origins are fortunate enough to have remnants of this fur-like hair. This offers them the luxury of being classy without an undershirt or with an undershirt. The rest of us must abide to the latter. So kudos to you, Spaniards, for keeping this long lost gem as part of your genetic makeup. To give you  a better sense of just how long ago this was, we, the Class Connoisseurs, have composed a time line.

    Thick, Fur-like Hair --> Loss of Thick, Fur-like Hair --> Undershirt
    ^                                                ^                                   ^
    Pre-NameBrand-ic Age      -----   "Class Purgatory" -----   Modern Era

    Though extremely complex, this timeline above gives us the conclusive evidence needed to support our hypothesis. After much analysis from the best in the field of classiness, it can now be assumed with reassurance that some sort of undergarment has been sported for all of mankind's time of existence. Which means the Undershirt has been most literally aged to perfection.

    On a different note, there are certain things that should not ever be done while sporting this fine article of class we've dubbed the Undershirt:
    1. Never should the sleeves of the Nethershirt out length those of thy Outershirt
    2. Never should one observing a sporter of the Undershirt be able to see the likes of any kind of desgin through the Outershirt that could cause a distraction and thus hinder the full appreciation of such an aesthetically pleasing masterpiece. The Undershirt is solely a undershirt, no t-shirt can be merely "converted" to the Undershirt status
    As with everything else contained in this blog, "Easier read, than done". We've given you the legend on the mysterious Map of Class, now it's up to you to scour the topographical depiction in search of the classiness that is hidden somewhere deep down inside of you. We wish you best of luck.

    Yours in Class,

    William & Walter
    W & W

    "Quadruple U"

    Sunday, June 6, 2010

    The Tranquility that is Brought Forth While Enduring a Midnight Rest on the Beach and its Complements to Summer

          Summer time has dawned upon us and it has expelled the aromas of freedom and opportunity in order for our figurative noses to take a grand whiff. These aromas come in many a form during these blistering hot months. Whether it be the refreshing dip in the pool or a good willed sporting tourney amongst friends, summer offers no shortage of thrilling excitement and freedom. However, nothing epitomizes this freedom quite like an outing to the beach. A visit to the borderline between the land we love and the abundant mysteries of the ocean frontier is capable of revitalizing even the most fatigued. At the beach, the cooling waters of treacherous oceans and the soft sands of the land combine to create the unmistakable sounds of waves flowing and breezes blowing. This landscape embodies summer by inscribing a nonchalant approach to life towards all its inhabitants, rendering them capable of constructing castles, consuming corn chips and soda without question, and purposefully allowing themselves to be scorched by the arriving remnants of the sun's 5,778 degrees K radiating surface.

    A portrait of a perfect night

          Astonishingly, I have managed to partake in a superior rendition of the above paragraph in what can only be labeled as an unprecedented occasion of class. Recently I engaged in a brief stay at a beach front condominium who's exotic whereabouts cannot be revealed as requested by the UN. Come the end of an extraordinary sun filled day, I felt a yearning to unwind. It was not my choosing to go out on beach that night, for on this occasion I was merely an actor in a play entitled destiny. As the moon's blossoming light guided me in solitude towards the beach, I was enlightened as to why Walt Whitman used this activity as the title for one of his poems. Although I had thoroughly enjoyed the excitement brought forth while spearfishing several great white sharks to protect an endangered species of fish, it was no match for the soothing nature of the post twilight beach. The following list describes what I observed this night as I laid back on my towel made of the finest silks:
    • The only sounds that sounded were those of the thunderous waves from restless oceans seeking refuge on the receptive shore and the breezes of a million tides echoing the turbulence of the sea.
    • The only sights that were seen were the arriving lights of stars after a journey of light years and the soft glow of the moon giving hope to the nocturnal inhabitants of the earth.
    • The only smells that were smelled were the freshershist aromas that naturally spew from these tropical lands.
    • The only feelings that were felt were those of wonderment and curiosity along with the gentility of the age old sands.
    • The only tastes that were examined by taste buds were the salty composition of the air and the remnants of the exquisite lobster I had captured and consumed for dinner.
    The simplicity inside the complexity of this epic night I spent alone on the beach is one that I encourage all to partake in if given the opportunity. If said coarse of action is passed up, one may be considered to be pseudoclassy.

    Stay Classy,

    William & Walter
    W & W
    Quadruple U

    Monday, May 3, 2010

    The Pastime That is Croquet

            Whether teetering on the precipice at the peak of Mt. Everest or simply absorbing the rich hues of the exotic plant life in your courtyard, there is no wrong place for the pastime that is croquet. Croquet, contrary to many a  shallow perception, is not merely a glorified version of putt putt. Rather, croquet celebrates mankind's primitive nomadic lifestyle with its portable nature while requiring grace, relaxation, and precision from its partakers. To effectively participate in a match, you must be in a party of two to six. Simply ask your classy friends if they would fancy a dual in the art of laid back competition. While nearly any outdoor scenario is fitting for croquet, some situations add the ingredients of class and finesse to the match for maximum enjoyment. Consider these suggestions to formulate a perfectly classy match:
    • When setting the coarse, don't be timid about integrating a wicket (that thing you wrongly call a hoop or gate) near water hazards or quick sand. These are all in good taste of the game.
      • With this in mind, never over complicate the coarse. Hedge mazes are frowned upon. 
    • Do not try to turn this into an amphibious game, even if you devise a way to float the wickets, no one likes treading in water while waiting for their turn
    • Grass similar to that of the Augusta National Golf Coarse is a nicety.
    • Do not let pressing matters interfere with your match. The phone call from Ralph Lauren himself can wait.
    • Make an effort to see through that fellow players are supplied with snacks and refreshments. Cocktail swords through sandwiches and cocktail umbrellas to keep beverages cool on a hot summer's day are recommended.
    • Although competitive, croquet requires good sportsmanship as well as sociable qualities. Compliment your adversaries with these when they are deserved:
      • "Well done" 
      • "Marvelous hit, i must say"
      • "You've reached impeccable form this afternoon"
      Now that the classy stage is set for a fine match of croquet, all you need is finesse, vision, and composure. With these attributes you will inevitably prove that you can accomplish the graceful action of carrying momentum from the mahogany mallet to the silver-lined ball in superior manner to that of your adversaries.
       Taking delight in a match of croquet on the prep school quad.

      The pastime that is croquet has a rich history of been enjoyed by royalty, heads of state, and school children from far and wide. Its relaxing yet involving nature is one that we, the class connoisseurs, are truly passionate about. The bonds and acquaintances one can make while playing add to croquet's well spirited and timeless style. So go on and have a swell time partaking in this pastime. And remember,
      Stay Classy

      William and Walter
      W & W

      Quadruple U

      Wednesday, April 28, 2010

      Casual Reading

      Sit back, raise a brow, and casually absorb this post.

      There is a certain amount mystery and eloquence that radiates off of one who is taking retreat behind the pages of a novel, newspaper, or any other published or unpublished work one might take interest in. The first impression one who is casually reading broadcasts to his peers, if any are present, is that of intelligence. If lacking the intellectual mien, one may not be considered truly classy. After the air of intellect has been formally established, possibly through the raising of a single brow and/or eye contact by a casual glance over the crest of the chosen work you seem to be absorbing yourself with, one may proceed to resume to his studies or invite the visitor to sit and have tea. But, you do not want to come off as too stern, a light chuckle may follow a part you have found humorous in the article of literature.

      One must remember, before one seats himself and embarks on his journey through the pages of the chosen article of literature, he must find the right setting in which he might then be able to commence his casual reading. Obviously, if you have any knowledge of class, your personal library should do the trick. But, if you find yourself lacking a personal library, these should be the requirements:

      If casually reading your thought provoking textual masterpiece indoors...

      • A fireplace should be present somewhere in the room
      • Rug made of zebra skin, from your days in the African Safari
      • An expensive leather chair
      • A matching leather ottoman
      • The only source of illumination can be from the fireplace and a candle
      • A Robe
      • A side table, on which sits your cup of tea or coffee, a pack of skittles, and your pipe
      • A grandfather clock
      • A grand piano, possibly an organ
      • Wallpaper that corresponds your attire 
      • A picture or painting of your sailboat hanging on the wall, framed
      • Electrical lighting is only acceptable if one must snap, or clap, twice to turn off and on the lights.
      • The only picture book you should have in the room, is a book of pictures of words

      Though not a requirement, it is strongly suggested for your relaxation that it be raining outside, for the echo of each droplet is a comforting note within nature's melodic masterpiece we call, rainstorms. Sipping on a glass of wine is also strongly advised.

      If absorbing the brilliantly written words of your reading outdoors, one needs...
      • A shady tree
      • A cool, yet comfortable, breeze
      • It is a must birds be chirping
      • A nicely located wooden bench
      • A hedge maze
      • A far off mountain range where one can look up to in wonderment and periodically reflect on the reading 

      A wonderful example of a wonderful man being wonderfully 

      casual in his reading
       So in conclusion, worry less about the appearance you give to others while reading and more about the reading itself. If you read casually, you will radiate class and others will look on in awe as you grow in intelligence and suaveness.

      Stay Classy,

      William and Walter
       W & W
      Quadruple U

          Friday, April 16, 2010

          Proper Greetings, Part 1

          A greeting - the instigation of conversation

                  Believe it or not, greetings are one of the most controversial aspects of classiness. Modern society has failed to understand the respect and sophistication involved in a salutation. Previously unorthodox methods of acknowledgment are being accepted in today's society. Here now is a guide to a proper greeting:
          The approach to a proper greeting spans between three and eight vital seconds. Though hours of prior preparation may be practiced in anticipation for the greeting (depending on how important the greeting is), it's the attention grabbing approach that will either instantiate interactions with someone or leave you awkwardly standing alone in your antisocial body that you call 'classy'. Shamed and disgraced by your failure to make even the slightest noticeable impression, you go into a vegetative state (a coma is also probable).
          So let's try to avoid that. These are surefire methods to go about getting recognition and the appropriate times to wield them:
          1. The downward nod of the head - More of a subtle sign of acknowledgment than a sign of friendship, this gesticulation should be only used to regard fellows whom you may not know very well. With minimal eye contact, you are demonstrating to the greet-ee that you, the greeter, bear humility and respect.
          2. The upward nod of the head - To those you are comfortable with; though a handshake should be used, if the situation does not allow for a handshake, the upward nod of the head works perfectly fine. Most commonly seen in high traffic areas where it might even become hazardous to stop and take the time for a good shaking of the hand. Using this method, you tell the receiver of your greeting, without actually verbally telling him,                                                                                                            "Greeting to you down yonder! We should engage in conversation to reminisce about our stories of old. And if not, I propose that we meet at a later time to discuss our lives whilst consuming small dishes at an expensive restaurant with unnecessary sauce designs and parsley on top."
          3. The handshake - *Note - If not carried out firmly, it is considered extremely psuedoclassy, and might result in exile from the class society.* Pound for pound, the strongest gesticulation of greetings one can make. This shows relationship between the shaker and the shake-ee is strong, that their brotherly union is not just one that is limited to a slight movement of the chin, but is one that deserves the stopping of all other actions to greet the other. It is almost always necessary for the handshake to be followed with small talk.

          If you plan on ever partaking in a classy event, you have must be able to start a conversation, properly
           But a few of our recommended classy and simple conversation starters:
          • Hello
          • Greetings
          • How do you do?
          • What have you?
          • What say you?
          • Good morning
          • Top of the morning 
          • Splendid evening
          • North
          • Greetings old sport!
          • Salutations
          • saying 'hello' in any European language
          • How about the weather?
          • Might I say this is quite the lavish gala you are hosting
          • The Dow reached a new high today
          It has come to my attention that many classy phrases have been altered, and thus the meaning of the phrase has changed to that of pseudoclassy. Vocabulary is as important in your conversation as oval, gold-rimmed windows are in your yacht. For a start, the word "dog" and any variation of the word, mustn't be exercised in any phrase of instigation of conversation. The ONLY event where such lingo is acceptable when using code names on your spy mission to rescue the Pope from evildoers. 
          We've brought you this far. Now the actual context of the conversation is up to you.

          Stay Classy, old sport

          William and Walter
           double U & double U

          Quadruple U

          Friday, April 9, 2010

          The Importance of having a luxurious library with an incredible array of varied knowledge and a stifling amount of original historical works

                  A classy home is incomplete if lacking the owner's full knowledge and imagination embodied into books (preferably leather bound books). And a classy home owner is typically quite knowledgeable while also having a wild and free imagination. So you see, a mere book shelf will never accommodate the full range of knowledge and culture a classy person needs. Intrigued? Well, here is the breakdown:
          • Sometimes people have books.
          • Other times people have book shelves.
          • Commonly people have study rooms with a good deal of books.
          • Uncommonly, people have entire libraries in their house
          • Classily, people have entire luxurious libraries with an incredible array of varied knowledge as well as a stifling amount of original historical works.
                  Now, when I say library, I do not mean your local convenience research center with full time workers and all. I speak rather of a high ceiling-ed, chandelier lit, Persian rug covered, culture spewing room were one can go take a break from all the pseudo-classiness in the world. As you enter this room, you will be struck by the rich sent of vanilla tobacco, leather, pine, and Fabreze, all simultaneously arousing your nostrils. -You look around, classic books such as The Odyssey and The Chronicles of Narnia - The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe instantly grasp your attention. Wait, what's that down yonder? Oh, its the original papyrus copy of Mark's Gospel. And yes, that over there is Anne Frank's actual diary. -At the center of the library is desk crafted from the very cherry tree George Washington once chopped down. The pure gold chandelier above provides great light as you read on your woolly mammoth leather lazy boy.As you get up, you exclaim,
          "Sweet lincoln's mullet!, what a fine and classy room. I guess I'll just make my way back to the.....NO! it cannot be, up there next to Richard Preston's "The Hot Zone", ...it's...it's a blank red book. But it is unattainable as it seems to be stuck on the shelf." 

                  If you were knowledgeable in the slightest about libraries, you would immediately walk towards the grand piano and play Beethoven's Piano Sonata No.14 in C sharp-minor. Preceding your concerto, without delay, the bright red book would protrude itself an inch or so off the shelf. Once in your grasp, the shelf where said book had sat upon would mobilize itself forward, exposing its side, and revealing a candlelit spiraling staircase that descends into the depths of your home and your privacy into A Secretive Lair.

                  Whilst entering, you turn the lights on in the lair and dim them half way. As your pupils adjust, you witness class at its finest. Your most prized suit hangs in solitude next to the wall mounted carcass of the snow leopard you wrestled in your days long passed. You admire the murals on the wall Michaelangelo painted specifically for you centuries agos. They stimulate recollections of past adventures and inspire you to new ones. Also there is that Nobel Prize which you have grown quite fond of. The miniature fridge tempts you with rare beverages and illegally delicious sweets from across the lands. The miniature bar has a multitude of options, though on this particular day you're leaning towards that unopened bottle of wine previously cared for and owned by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
          Enjoy my friends
          and stay classy,


          "Double U"
          "1/2 quadruple U"

          Tuesday, April 6, 2010

          Holding the Door Open for Someone Who Is on Crutch(es) and the Importance of Having Two Crutches not Crutch

          I add the "(es)" to the title because for only half the time I was on two crutches, the other half I was on crutch. But while my short period on crutches I really learned two things from them:

          A. Never take walking for granted
          B. There are 4 general kinds of people in this world:

          1. The classy, morally sound man - Hears or sees that you are on crutch(es), and goes out of his way to hold the door open for you. He has my gratitude.
          2. The unwilling, but morally sound man - Hears or sees that you are on crutch(es), and looks at you with what could be called a glare, and opens the door for you with a look on his face that says "Are you serious? I was having a good conversation with another fellow and I had to pause it to help you". Not he, but probably his parents who drilled good morals into him at a young age, have my gratitude.
          3. The unobservant, oblivious man - He somehow does not take notice that you are on crutch(es), and as a result, does not hold the door open for you. I understand that he did not notice, so I am not mad, but he should try to pay closer attention.
          4. The twit - Hears or sees that you are on crutch(es), turns around to look at you, gives you the once over to make sure you actually do have crutch(es), and knowing this, doesn't hold the door open. OUTRAGEOUS!! Did he just intentionally close the door faster?? and walks away most likely smiling to himself;He has my contempt. I am utterly displeased by their actions and officially name them pseudoclassy.
          I understand there might be some reluctance in opening the door for a person with crutch. "I mean, seriously, he has one open arm doesn't he?" The answer is "No.", always open and hold a door for someone on crutch(es), it's the classy thing to do.

          Other than holding the door open for someone on crutches, I believe there is a certain amount of class difference between crutches and crutch. With two crutches, you look legitimately injured, most likely by extraordinary like, in my case, my white tiger that resides on my estate ferociously attempted to attack a mere babe. In the process of jumping in front of the child, I tranquilized the tiger with the hidden dart gun at the tip of my umbrella-cane, but not soon enough. As the unconscious tiger fell from mid air, it landed on my right leg, causing a labral tear in my right hip. But that's not really important right now, anyway... With two, people don't question your injury. With only crutch, you look homeless. And being homeless is most definitely not classy. With a wooden crutch and a couple rags, you could complete the look of a hobo flawlessly.

          In conclusion, Holding the Door Open for Someone on Crutches and Two Crutches are officially CLASSY.


          "double u"
          "1/2 Quadruple u"

          Friday, April 2, 2010

          The Raising of a Single Brow, Part 1

          Accompanied by a slight, but smooth, upward bob of the head to the left, the raising of a single brow can be one of the most, if not the most, classy gestures one can make. The fullness of this gesticulation can be achieved even more so by making strong eye contact with whomever you seem to be speaking to, but staring off into the distance, or over their shoulder works too. A lucky few were born with natural talent in the art of monobrow elevation, as for the rest of you all... well... Lets just say, that's what we're here for.

          Those seeking to achieve classiness through the correct gesticulation of the raising of a single brow may be asking themselves "When is the proper time to use the raising of a single brow?", "What are the signals that can be given off by the raising of a single brow?", and "What is the origin of the raising of a single brow and how was it introduced modern day?". Your questions will be answered all in good time.

          This is an example of a lighter, more easy going raising of a single brow. As shown above, one may also prefer to include a smirk of the lip, side opposite to the raised brow, if he chooses to do so.

          1. The proper time to use the raising of a single brow.

          This is a fine question. Though the answer I am tempted to leave you with is "If you are truly classy, you will know when the time is right". But, I would feel like I was letting you down. So I will try my best to adequately express through my knowledge of class, the proper time to use the elevation of a solo brow with a couple points. After thorough examination of my knowledge, I have come to a conclusion:
          A. When speaking to someone / When being spoken to by someone
          B. When seducing women
          C. When in dire need of a classiness boost
          D. When in not so dire need of a classiness boost
          E. When leaving an immortal impression of yourself on this planet moments before dying
          F. When yachting
          G. When purchasing an extravagant beach side villa
          H. When about to purchase a previously uncharted island in the Caribbean
          I. At all times whilst wearing a sweater vest
          J. When bird watching

          2. The possible signals that can be given off by the use of the raising of a single brow.

          -I am intrigued
          -I am classy
          -I am acting slightly surprised, though I am actually not
          -I am acting as if I am somewhat perplexed
          -I am listening
          -I am slightly amused
          -I am thinking
          -I am about to say something of extreme classiness
          -I am standing on the edge of a cliff protruding out unto the sea with my front leg raised somewhat higher than the other, at sunset, and was in need of an extremely classy pose while observing nature at it finest
          -I am exercising my right to remain silent, though there is no pressing, or legal, need to
          -I am about to mount my polo horse
          -I have just proven myself victorious in a fencing contest
          -I am too classy to show outward excitement
          -I am impressed, yet do not allow you the satisfaction of any outward sign of this
          -I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
          -People know me.
          -I'm fairly important.
          -I have many leather-bound books
          -My apartment smells of rich mahogany
          -I am on the brink of curing an incurable disease
          -My butler will assist you shortly

          3. The origin of raising of an individual brow and how it came about modern day.

          Though the origin is officially unknown, it is rumored to have been discovered by the Germans in 1904. There is no official name for it, scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

          Modern day, the raising of a single brow has increased in popularity, but, because of the difficulty of the gesticulation and the expectations that come along with being classy, is not widely preformed. The influx of popularity can be accredited mostly to Ron Burgundy, James Bond, The Most Interesting Man in the World, and the Class Connoisseurs(whose guide has influenced at least 40+ people.)

          Stay Classy,

          William and Walter

          W & W
          "Double u & Double u"
          "Quadruple u"

          Monday, March 29, 2010

          A Watch is Perhaps the Most Overlooked Accessory, As Well As One of the Finest

          Time- Mankind's measurement of mortality, the scheduler of our daily actions, and the only true thing humans truly have possession of.

          Also, its a number, and there are very few abilities out there more useful than being able to know this number at any given moment. That is why one who is classy must wear a wrist bound time incremental evaluation apparatus, or simply put, a wrist watch. Now you maybe asking yourself how a watch could possibly be classy. To answer that, I will in fact, not answer that....yet. Firstly, I will tell you, my class seeking reader, how and when a wrist bound time incremental evaluation apparatus is not a finer thing.
          • First off, digital watches, especially ones with an over abundance of features, are strongly discouraged from public events.
          Your classy social life may be in tatters if seen with one of these anywhere that isn't an athletic facility.

          • Secondly, a cellular device does not count as a watch. That's just cheating.
          So, onto the more appropriate ways to tell time:
          • Obviously, analog watches are classy. They are simple, elegant, and functional.
          • Now if you've been invited to a gala, the only acceptable option is a pocket watch tucked inside your suit
          Sooooo classy
            • All sophisticated sophisticates know the sophistication behind a sophisticated hand crafted watch. However, there is one more alternative: The Sundial
          Which of the following phrases sounds the classiest-
          • "I wonder what time it might be. Ah yes, I shall glance at my wrist."
          • "Oh dear, in accordance to this masterfully crafted pocket watch I'm holding, I must now depart.
          • "I ponder what hour and minute it is at this moment. Excuse me as a swing into my outside quarters to observe my sundial.
          Clearly, the sundial is the classiest and finest of all time measuring instuments.

          Stay Classy

          Sunday, March 28, 2010

          Small Dishes at Expensive Restaurants with Unnecessary Sauce Designs and the Significance of Parsley to Make Them Look Even Better

          I sometimes wonder what the chef's were thinking when they decided to make the food look more appealing by adding parsley on top, making the portions smaller, and artistically spreading the sauce around the piece of food; and while they're at it, why not drive up the price a few more bucks for all the extra effort they put in to making your food look good. Now, contrary to popular belief, aesthetically appealing food is just as important as great taste. Ask everyone who's anyone in the world of classiness and they will have to agree with me on this one, your food has gotta look just as classy as you do.

          Feta Cheescake with Port Poached Figs
          Why not add a little green to our cheesecake?

          But the only way one may pull off the complete look of classiness while eating this is to be well dressed, know how to hold his fork correctly, and to have graceful, but stern head nod to all the other classy people that may pass you by.

          But, sometimes, there needs to be a line drawn between creating real class and an attempt at creating class and I'm drawin' it. This picture shows an attempt.
          Hmm... I think there is something wrong with my chocolate covered cheesecake....Oh ya, there's no chocolate on it. Maybe a better title could be "Cheesecake with Chocolate covered plate"

          Does it really taste that much better in tiny portions with creative sauce designs? No.

          Does it really look classy when you eat it? Yes.

          So, "Small dishes at expensive restaurants with unnecessary sauce designs and parsley on top" are officially CLASSY


          Thursday, March 25, 2010

          The Creation Story

          A few things you're probably wondering right now "What is this?", "What the hell is a connoisseur?"(for those lacking an extensive vocabulary) and "Why would they even make this?"

          All good questions. Lets start with the first. This is very hard to answer since this is not just about one thing, this is truly a compilation of two great minds that think alike and use their God given talents in deciding what is straight up classy and what's is psuedoclassy to set the standard in classiness today. Imagine this post as the first book of Genesis in the Class Bible.

          Now on to the question about connoisseur (which is pronounced kon-uh-sur). According to Dictionary.com connoisseur means "an expert judge in matters of taste". Not only is this the definition I would use to describe myself, and my partner, it also gives the reader the assurance that these guys know what the hell they're talkin' 'bout.

          To answer the last question "Why would they even make this?". Our answer is "Why not?"
          We are doing our part in society to educate people...about classiness, because every good member of society should know that buttoning up all the buttons on your Polo is never acceptable.
          Plus, best case scenario we end up like this guy:
          not likely, but it's never bad to have high hopes.

          And as this post comes to an end, I'd like to leave you with this picture:

          "Stay classy my friends"