Disclaimer: This website, in its entirety, requires your willing suspension of disbelief.

Finer Facts

Finer Facts:

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Lost Art of Hand Written Letters

Before we begin, we would like to observe and apologize for our blatant hypocrisy in not having hand written this post and sent it to you via carrier pigeon. Now that that is out of the way...

In this age dominated by instant messaging via AOL and tweetering, (or whatever the hell it is you kids use) it is easy to forget that you have a mailbox attached to your abode. Mail is understandably associated with bills and pizza coupons, but there was a time when messages from friends both far and near arrived to your doorstep. These messages were hand written genuine greetings that usually contained high levels of class.

Here are a some of the finer qualities accompanied by hand written letters that we seldom see today.
  • Rampant misspellings demonstrated the true level of intelligence of writer.
  • Handwriting was truly a display of art and individuality.
    • Cursive is undeniably aesthetically pleasing.
    • One could see the emotions you put into your letter through your handwriting.
Yes, people still used cursive even after the fifth grade.
  • Wax stamps: Need we say more?
  • Ability for women to leave smell of perfume or a lipstick smudge from a kiss
  • Because there is no backspacing, letters tend to be more thought out and poetic simply to avoid the shame of an incoherent sentence or an ugly cross out. 
  • The ability to enclose other things in an envelope:
    • A cutout of a newspaper article from your grandmother that mentions you.
    • Money
    • Anthrax 
    • Oxygen
    • Pizza coupons 
    • Stolen artwork that isn't very big
    • Photographs
    • Hand-drawn artwork: Preferred artist age: 3-7. Preferred utensil employed: crayon. 
  • Doodles. Electronic communication has strongly inhibited our ability to draw a nice cube in the upper right hand corner of a message or maybe some good squiggly lines near the header.
    Additionally, many unpleasantries have arisen since the downfall of the hand written letter.
    • The arise of MLA formatting
    • The abuse of Comic Sans. 
    • The use of "lol", "rofl", "gtg", or any other unfortunate acronyms of phrases allegedly too long to type.
    • e-cards emailed and forwarded to you from your aunt at least three different times.
    • Everything that is not a wax stamp
    • The Kardashians. Unrelated to hand written letters but a stain on the underpants of society nonetheless
    • Having the other party expect an immediate reply when something is sent to you.
    As you can see, there are many reasons why hand written letters are fine things. People tend to appreciate them much more knowing you put pen to paper and wrote something yourself. Their lessened use by society is creating a horde of unwelcome lifestyles. So we strongly encourage you to begin mastering this last art.

    Thursday, October 27, 2011

    Types of People that There are Only Two Kinds of in the World...of Classiness

    With many people in today's society yearning to display their individuality, we, the class connoisseurs, would like to reiterate that in high society, any single person can be stripped to their basic behaviors and be put into one of two groups. See where you are in the following list.
    • Those who wink with the left,and those who wink with the right
    • Those who wear bow ties, and those who wear normal ties.
    • Those who aren't not classy, and those who are classy.
    • Ladies and Gentlemen
    • Those who complete their sentences, and those
    • Those who read Class Connoisseurs, and those of have Class Connoisseurs read to them.
    • Those who tie their shoes every time they sport their shoes, and those who leave them tied for what is seemingly a lifetime.
    • Those who can tell time by the sun's position and those who wear fine wrist watches.
    • Those who give firm handshakes and those who don't have hands due to a bull fighting accident back in college.
    • Those who are in touch with their deepest emotions and thoughts and those who's countless philosophical revelations throughout the course of their lives has exhausted the mind from searching for new view points of the world and is content with living life one moment at a time.

    Stay Classy,

    William and Walter
    W & W
    Quadruple U

    Wednesday, September 28, 2011

    Class Connoisseurs Croakies

    Class Connoisseurs Croakies

    Whether you're reeling in a 10ft marlin, driving down the backwoods, or at the stadium watching the game, these croakies will ensure your sunglasses don't leave your face without your permission. Groundbreaking technology makes class ooze from the croakies, through your ears, and into your brain. They come in red and teal. Get 'em while you still can.

    Stay classy.
    William & Walter

    Monday, August 22, 2011

    The Imperativeness of the Pocket Square

    In a world filled with vanity, there are many function-less and over extravagant ways for one to decorate themselves. One accessory, namely the pocket square, has kept its classic roots, only to be grossly underused by today's gentlemen. Nothing quite says finer thing like a silk square tucked neatly inside one's bosom pocket, patiently awaiting its opportunity to be used in suave and gentlemanly ways. You see, intrigued reader, pocket squares hold a myriad of functions.

    Uses of the pocket square include but are not limited to:

    • Wiping the spilled wine off the table as it nears your lady's expensive dress.
    • Shielding spilled wine in midair from ruining your lady's expensive dress because you have extraordinary quick reflexes.
    • Absorbing the spilled wine from your lady's expensive dress because you have slow, sloth like reflexes.
    • Gently slapping insubordinate people to remind them to mind their manners.
    • A tourniquet to save your friend's leg from that nasty shark wound.
    • Wiping away the tears of the bride's parents
    • Magic tricks
    • Emergency bull fighting 

    The fine part of the pocket square lies in its simplicity. A pocket square should always be folded modestly, never yelling and begging for the attention of others. Rather, it should gently whisper to others as they subconsciously admire your neatness. A two or three triangle fold is usually appropriate. While many other complex and exotic methods for folding exist, we highly recommend avoiding them.
    Don't even try.

    Stay Classy,
    William & Walter
    Quadruple U

    Monday, July 25, 2011

    Claiming Territory

    The beckoning predisposition to explore what no man has explored, to see what no man has seen, and to touch what no man has touched lies within all of us.This inclination applies to all things uncharted, unexplored, and most importantly unclaimed. The act of claiming territory is one that has greatly impacted history, at times giving birth to prosperous civilizations while waging violent wars on other occasions. But there are truly fine qualities that accompany those who dare to tame savage lands with honest and good willed intentions for the future.

    Yeah... We did that.

    Valid ways to claim territory:
    • Pointing at it
    • Nodding towards it
    • Urinating on or around it
    • Sticking a flag into it
    • Winking at it
    • Caging it
    • Fencing it in
    • Sitting on it
    • Writing a constitution that gives you control of it
    • Putting a ring on it
    • Signing it 
      • Note: exceptions include athletes and other social figures
    • Purchasing it
    • Trading for it
    • Drawing borders around it in the dirt using a stick or one's foot.
    • Reciting a spontaneously composed poem about the majestic land you've come across.
    • Writing your name on it

    Simple phrases that can solve most territorial disputes.
    • "Dance off, you and me, right now"
    • "Shotgun"
    • "This town ain't big enough for the two of us"
    • "Heads - I win, Tails - you lose."

    Obviously the art that is Claiming Territory is not dead. In reality, it's far from it. Now go on and establish a nation or go ride in the passenger seat of a vehicle.


    William and Walter
    Quadruple U

    Tuesday, May 17, 2011

    Casual Summer Activities

    • horseback riding
    • dolphin-back riding
    • camping
    • bird watching
    • croquet
    • yachting
    • fishing
    • grilling
    • yawning
    • Jai-alai
    • making a pie
    • eating a pie
    • casually reading
    • whistling
    • escaping to a remote island to find yourself
    • swimming
      • swan diving
    • reminiscing
    • composing your one hit wonder
    • collecting firewood
    • blogging about casual summer activities
    • reading the Class Connoisseurs Guide to the Finer Things
    • rereading the Class Connoisseurs Guide to the Finer Things
    • basically every sport
    • conquering mountains
    • conquering metaphorical mountains
    • driving across the country, windows down
    • singing along to Beethoven
    • sailing
    • carving things from wood
    • painting
    • laughing
    • speculating on the apocalypse 
    • finding matches for all your socks
    • smoking a cigar
    • gardening
    • avoiding facebook
    • photographing
    • smelling roses
    • starting and finishing a game of Risk
    • charming heads of state and other important figures with your suaveness
    • making a tree house
    • tubing
    • star gazing
    • courting women
    • flexing
    • golfing
    • digging up time capsules
    • metal detecting
    • partaking in a game of horse shoe or washers
    • traveling
    • honoring your wild
    • watching Spongebob Squarepants reruns
    • attending concerts and other live performances
    • sporting fine, seasonal clothing
      •  seersucker and madras products, visors, flip flops, and the likes
    • playing catch
    • wearing a sweet pair of shades
    • shootin' things
    • summer reading
    • attending family reunions
    • relaxing
    • laxing
    • sporting one's boat shoes, on a boat
    • etcetera etcetera.....
    Feel free to print this out to guide you along your summer journeys.

    Stay Classy,

    William & Walter
    Quadruple U

    Sunday, May 8, 2011

    The Origin of Winks, Part 2

    Click here for Part 1

    After reading and grasping the context of this gesticulation, one may be asking oneself "how may I, a mere fledgling, execute this timeless expression properly?" Fear not restless aspirant. In this post, we will take a gander at a handful of the wink's legendary uses.

    The Function
    After its birth into the classy culture, winking has evolved into many roles crucial to the classy man's life. Here are some of its commonly practiced functions:
    • Since the age of the Renaissance, men have been execute the wink to woo women. Damsels' hearts melt when given the wink. But be cautious, for this trick of the trade only works if carried out with the correct balance of swagger and chivalry.
    • In stark contrast, winking can also be used to shower confidence among worried compatriots before performing heroic events. It is said that Stonewall Jackson winked at his fellow confederate soldiers before they defeated the Union at the first battle of Bull Run.
    • Winking has also been famously used after heroic acts. When used in this manner, the receiver of the wink may fall into a depressed state as the guilt of ever doubting you overwhelms them.
    • A wink given at the business table signifies that an under the table deal is developing, even though the wink is given above the table.
    • Like its less impressive cousin, the blink, winking provides moisture for the cornea and helps remove debris from one's eye.

    Yes, superman always winked before going off to save the world.

    • CAUTION: Failure to carry out the wink convincingly may result in the following:
      • 8 to 10 months without any social contact whatsoever.
      • Blindness in the eye that was used to wink
      • A gentle slap to the face
      • A powerful slap to the face
      • An incurable rash on the forehead
      • Broken dreams
      • A fine upwards to $560
      • Nausea 
    The world of class has given us the wink so that we may use is appropriately. The logistics behind the wink's powers transcends our understanding, and thus it is a challenging weapon to wield. Moderation is key, for the more you wink, the less significant it becomes. Now that you've been taught, go forth...

    ....and stay classy,

    William & Walter
    W & W
    Quadruple U

    Thursday, April 14, 2011


    Regal, Proper, and Loyal

    Walking encyclopedias of class, perusers of perfection, and unremitting suppliers of wisdom, butlers' aggregate knowledge of things classy would not be advanced upon reading this Guide. Today's society holds many misconceptions about butlers.Since an apparent lapse in knowledge and a influx of rumors has occurred, the gap must be filled. For this reason we present you with this valuable information about these majordomos.

    Facts, and only facts:
    • Butlers are not just merely a glorified, socially acceptable form of stalkers; though they are always behind you.
    • Butlers do not have pasts, they were born that way.
    • Butlers are unable to retain existence without sporting a suit.
    • Butlers are able to anticipate what you want, when you need it, all the time.
    • Butlers were the preferred search engine for 1,998 years, until later being defrauded by Google, Inc.
    • Butlers are know for their spontaneousness. They're known to release doves every time you enter a room.
    • Butlers have mastered sock management and location.
    • Butler's hankercheif works the same way a Shamwow does, but classier.
    • Butlers know about that thing you never told anyone about.
    • Butlers have been there, done that.
    • All Butlers have that "new car smell"
    • Butlers have an internal clock, with a direct link to Greenwich Meridian Time, among many other internal tools such as...
    • Similar to most advanced home security systems, for a mere $3 more a month they can provide a live video feed of your house
      A fine butler in his natural habitat

      Yours in Class,

      William and Walter
      Quadruple U

      Saturday, March 19, 2011

      Being Fashionably Late

              For any guest, being punctual is of utmost importance when attending an event of prestige, and rightly so. Hosts as well as fellow guests expect your presence at the designated time. At every event, however, there's bound to be those who fail to adhere to the invitation's arrival time, resulting in ungraceful tardiness. These late comers are usually uncouth in their entrances. Yet, on occasions all too rare, a guest arrives who has masterfully transformed this reckless action into an admirable gesture. For ages, classy gala goers and anthropologists alike have wrestled with one of the few contradictions in the realm of class. How is it that one can be late in such a manner that yields an equal or greater welcome than that given to those who arrived on time?

      Well, we too are bewildered by the mysterious forces that dictate this ambiguity. However, that isn't going to stop us from presenting you with some tips on how to conduct yourself when you've mismanaged your time. 
      • Under absolutely no circumstance shall you fabricate an excuse and be late on purpose. This sad cry for attention is the epitome of psuedoclass.
      • Never attempt to conceal your tardiness. Embrace the fact that you had other matters to attend to with swagger. Your host, for reasons unknown, will praise your honesty. 
      • If you are the host, it is always frowned upon to arrive late.Your butler will be most displeased with you if he winds up entertaining your guests.
      • Do arrive in style: If the event you're late to is of a mobile nature, such as a yachting adventure, guests will be quite entertained as they see you gaining ground on the yacht while on your jet ski, in proper event attire.
      • Don't worry about your appearance after you've just saved the village from a potentially catastrophic stampede of elephants in the pouring rain. You can sow the sleeves of your button down shirt back on at another time. 
      • If you're already late and you feel as though your attendance at an event has no bearing in the infinitely large universe because you've entered a level of philosophical mediation in which your brain no longer perceives time in a linear manner, snap out of it. There are people waiting to be charmed.
      • Never announce your tardiness ahead of time. Your host would rather preoccupy himself with the guests who were punctual than grieve over the fact that you won't be gracing his event for the next hour. 

      One cannot count on always being fashionably late. There are too many factors that must be in perfect order. Things such as the wind chill factor and the number of oak trees in the immediate area have been known to alter the reception of one's tardiness. But if you comply with the tips above, you'll amplify your chances of executing this rare phenomena.
        Good luck,

        William & Walter
        W & W
        Quadruple U

        Wednesday, March 9, 2011

        Dire Grievances Part 2

        A reading from the book of Pet Peeves, Verses 11-15
        (Verses 1-10)

        v.11 Thou shall not put any blogs before this blog.

        v.12 Thou shall not answer rhetorical questions.

        v.13 Thou shall only use the bro sign in a satirical or sarcastic manner, never as a genuine gesture.

        v.14 Thou shall not use ye phrase "that's what she said" without labeling thy pronouns.

        v.15 Thou shall not take mirror photographs of thy self. 


        William & Walter
        Quadruple U

        Tuesday, February 22, 2011

        Hierarchy of Monuments

        Since humanity first left its allegorical nest, it has never ceased to fly, moreover progress. This constant advancing has always been fueled by the astounding achievements and breakthroughes of many distinguished individuals. To properly honor these achievements, mankind has produced a grand array of monuments. Some of these mementos are extraordinarily fine whilst others are mundane. Regardless, monuments manage to depict what mere recollections cannot. We've compiled a gradient of the amount of class demonstrated from different types of monuments. This hierarchy may also serve to assist you in measuring your own worth to the world.
        • Birth Certificates: The article that proves your existence. It is considered very difficult to be classy if one does not exist.
        • Photographs: Pictures are the most easily obtainable monuments to date. However, they require no standards of self dignity or even a smidgen of class, as portrayed in today's social networks and such. 
        • Reserved Parking Spots: Occasionally, a parking spot will bear someone's name, announcing that due to there importance and/or social status, they deserve to station their vehicle in the convenient area more than others.
        • Wikipedia Pages: A monument that resembles a branching out. Not only the people in your immediate reach recognize your popularity. Information from various sources must be used to confirm your distinguished accomplishments
        • Paintings: A painting that depicts you is often a result of your actions inspiring someone to use their God given talents. This is valid indicator that you've accomplished something with noticeable levels of class.:
        • Urban Legend: Though not a tangible monument, the spirit of the town folk who retell your heroic feats and speculate on what you were fed as a child prove that you're a virtuoso of class.
        • Face on Currency: You've achieved such a level of honor amongst your fellow people that they'd like to recognize you and your extraordinarily feats on federal notes.
        • A Statue: A  statue is the ultimate worldly monument to one's class. Here is why:
          • Statues  immortalize not only the person they represent, but also the eminence with which they lived. Statues are spawned to commemorate their subjects. They yearn to harbor as much class in their sculpted bodies as their subjects did in life. The inherent fineness of these objects can be appreciated anywhere, whether that be in a gallery in Florence or merely in a public park.

        There is, however, a far superior rendition of the statue. As our friends at Mt. Rushmore have already figured out, some men deserve not a monolith made of bronze, but rather, an image weaved into nature.

        Statues hold an unrivaled winning record in starring contests
        Many monuments and other tributes may have been omitted from the catalog above, the why and the wherefore of this passage was to cultivate an illustrious ambition to climb the rungs on the daunting ladder of monuments. "Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T.S. Eliot.

        Stay Classy,

        William & Walter
        W & W
        Quadruple U

        Tuesday, January 4, 2011

        The Origin of Winks, Part 1

        Though it has sadly fallen into the hands of teenagers with unlimited texting plans, ultimately resulting in its unpractical evolution into a smiley-winky face, the wink still retains a plethora of its original finer qualities. These finer qualities' longevity proves to play a key role in the fermentation of the wink for the duration of all of existence. We wish not to describe the uses of this gesticulation, rather we only hope to scratch the vast surface of this great action's history and impart some insight on what great task one is accepting when he becomes a sporter of the wink.

        The Historical Source
        Said to have been discovered by Ferdinand Magellan during his world voyage in the early 1520's, winking has remained a prominent gesticulation for almost 500 years and counting. Though Magellan was unfortunately killed during the latter part of his excursion, the remaining members of his crew courageously braved the treacherous oceans to relay his great finding to the whole world. Sadly, Magellan was the only human alive who knew the precise origin of the wink, and so the origin went to the grave alongside our beloved Ferdinand.

        A man exercising the triple threat, that is winking, grinning, and raising a single brow of course

        The Scientific Theory
        Scientists have hypothesized the alleged origin of the wink, which is: the wink is a distant member of the Monobrow-ious Elevation-ium family, a very prestigious family that have served as pronounced figures in the class world. Though there is evidence that at one time there were many as many as 27 different variations of the raising of a single brow and winking, natural selection can be attributed to the elimination of the weaker, less classy gesticulations.

        The Historic Uses
        Many a historian might recall the numerous instances winking has been exhibited during a momentous occasion, so we have compiled a brief list of some of the various instances when it has been displayed. Some of them are:
        • Christopher Columbus allegedly winked upon first sight of the wondrous shores of the Americas
        • Groundhog Day, 1964: the groundhog, upon its arrival to the surface, winked
        • June 20th, 1969, Neil Armstrong winked as a token of good fortune to the Moon
        Winking is an expression whose timeless roots overshadow today's misconceptions of the gesture. Due to its rich history and mysterious origins, the wink is an action that must be delivered with grace throughout its many classy uses. However, that lesson will have to wait for another day.

        Stay Classy,

        William and Walter
        Quadruple U