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Finer Facts

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Friday, April 16, 2010

Proper Greetings, Part 1

A greeting - the instigation of conversation

        Believe it or not, greetings are one of the most controversial aspects of classiness. Modern society has failed to understand the respect and sophistication involved in a salutation. Previously unorthodox methods of acknowledgment are being accepted in today's society. Here now is a guide to a proper greeting:
The approach to a proper greeting spans between three and eight vital seconds. Though hours of prior preparation may be practiced in anticipation for the greeting (depending on how important the greeting is), it's the attention grabbing approach that will either instantiate interactions with someone or leave you awkwardly standing alone in your antisocial body that you call 'classy'. Shamed and disgraced by your failure to make even the slightest noticeable impression, you go into a vegetative state (a coma is also probable).
So let's try to avoid that. These are surefire methods to go about getting recognition and the appropriate times to wield them:
  1. The downward nod of the head - More of a subtle sign of acknowledgment than a sign of friendship, this gesticulation should be only used to regard fellows whom you may not know very well. With minimal eye contact, you are demonstrating to the greet-ee that you, the greeter, bear humility and respect.
  2. The upward nod of the head - To those you are comfortable with; though a handshake should be used, if the situation does not allow for a handshake, the upward nod of the head works perfectly fine. Most commonly seen in high traffic areas where it might even become hazardous to stop and take the time for a good shaking of the hand. Using this method, you tell the receiver of your greeting, without actually verbally telling him,                                                                                                            "Greeting to you down yonder! We should engage in conversation to reminisce about our stories of old. And if not, I propose that we meet at a later time to discuss our lives whilst consuming small dishes at an expensive restaurant with unnecessary sauce designs and parsley on top."
  3. The handshake - *Note - If not carried out firmly, it is considered extremely psuedoclassy, and might result in exile from the class society.* Pound for pound, the strongest gesticulation of greetings one can make. This shows relationship between the shaker and the shake-ee is strong, that their brotherly union is not just one that is limited to a slight movement of the chin, but is one that deserves the stopping of all other actions to greet the other. It is almost always necessary for the handshake to be followed with small talk.

If you plan on ever partaking in a classy event, you have must be able to start a conversation, properly
 But a few of our recommended classy and simple conversation starters:
  • Hello
  • Greetings
  • How do you do?
  • What have you?
  • What say you?
  • Good morning
  • Top of the morning 
  • Splendid evening
  • North
  • Greetings old sport!
  • Salutations
  • saying 'hello' in any European language
  • How about the weather?
  • Might I say this is quite the lavish gala you are hosting
  • The Dow reached a new high today
It has come to my attention that many classy phrases have been altered, and thus the meaning of the phrase has changed to that of pseudoclassy. Vocabulary is as important in your conversation as oval, gold-rimmed windows are in your yacht. For a start, the word "dog" and any variation of the word, mustn't be exercised in any phrase of instigation of conversation. The ONLY event where such lingo is acceptable when using code names on your spy mission to rescue the Pope from evildoers. 
We've brought you this far. Now the actual context of the conversation is up to you.

Stay Classy, old sport

William and Walter
 double U & double U

Quadruple U