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Finer Facts

Finer Facts:

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Being Fashionably Late

        For any guest, being punctual is of utmost importance when attending an event of prestige, and rightly so. Hosts as well as fellow guests expect your presence at the designated time. At every event, however, there's bound to be those who fail to adhere to the invitation's arrival time, resulting in ungraceful tardiness. These late comers are usually uncouth in their entrances. Yet, on occasions all too rare, a guest arrives who has masterfully transformed this reckless action into an admirable gesture. For ages, classy gala goers and anthropologists alike have wrestled with one of the few contradictions in the realm of class. How is it that one can be late in such a manner that yields an equal or greater welcome than that given to those who arrived on time?

Well, we too are bewildered by the mysterious forces that dictate this ambiguity. However, that isn't going to stop us from presenting you with some tips on how to conduct yourself when you've mismanaged your time. 
  • Under absolutely no circumstance shall you fabricate an excuse and be late on purpose. This sad cry for attention is the epitome of psuedoclass.
  • Never attempt to conceal your tardiness. Embrace the fact that you had other matters to attend to with swagger. Your host, for reasons unknown, will praise your honesty. 
  • If you are the host, it is always frowned upon to arrive late.Your butler will be most displeased with you if he winds up entertaining your guests.
  • Do arrive in style: If the event you're late to is of a mobile nature, such as a yachting adventure, guests will be quite entertained as they see you gaining ground on the yacht while on your jet ski, in proper event attire.
  • Don't worry about your appearance after you've just saved the village from a potentially catastrophic stampede of elephants in the pouring rain. You can sow the sleeves of your button down shirt back on at another time. 
  • If you're already late and you feel as though your attendance at an event has no bearing in the infinitely large universe because you've entered a level of philosophical mediation in which your brain no longer perceives time in a linear manner, snap out of it. There are people waiting to be charmed.
  • Never announce your tardiness ahead of time. Your host would rather preoccupy himself with the guests who were punctual than grieve over the fact that you won't be gracing his event for the next hour. 

One cannot count on always being fashionably late. There are too many factors that must be in perfect order. Things such as the wind chill factor and the number of oak trees in the immediate area have been known to alter the reception of one's tardiness. But if you comply with the tips above, you'll amplify your chances of executing this rare phenomena.
    Good luck,

    William & Walter
    W & W
    Quadruple U

    Wednesday, March 9, 2011

    Dire Grievances Part 2

    A reading from the book of Pet Peeves, Verses 11-15
    (Verses 1-10)

    v.11 Thou shall not put any blogs before this blog.

    v.12 Thou shall not answer rhetorical questions.

    v.13 Thou shall only use the bro sign in a satirical or sarcastic manner, never as a genuine gesture.

    v.14 Thou shall not use ye phrase "that's what she said" without labeling thy pronouns.

    v.15 Thou shall not take mirror photographs of thy self. 


    William & Walter
    Quadruple U